By Marla Abdul
I have a neck pimple. Right now. And grays. Isn’t there some like anti-gravity law that should not allow this to happen? How can I be getting so old that my kneecaps foretell inclimate weather but my neck- MY NECK- decides to get clogged pores in the form of disgusting, swollen lumps.?! It is utterly gross and unacceptable. I’d write a letter of complaint, but I’m pretty sure Mother Nature didn’t leave a forwarding address and God could give a shit.
I’m considering popping the sucker and putting toothpaste on it but it’s in that awkward stage where you can’t do a damn thing about it because it’s big enough to be noticeable but not yet big enough to pop. It will just get in that more swollen and agitated state that you then have to cover with hair and be careful to not pull it into a ponytail at the risk of blowing your cover. Ass.
I suppose I will have to succumb to its power and just ride this thing out. I’m really glad I have an interview tomorrow where my back will be to various possible co-workers and my pimple can scope them out for me.
It’s totally going to turn into a second head. I can feel it. And not a cool second head either. It’s going to be like this asthmatic pocket-protector wearing nerd that shuns everyone for time alone in a dark hole named Norman. We’re going to grow old together and knit things and complain about how we used to go out but now because of each other we bitterly argue about who will be kicked off of Top Chef this week.
Sigh. It’s been real, life. Thanks for the memories. I better go get some sleep to prepare myself for a big day in my new double-headed life. Goodnight, Norman.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Baby's Breath Commands Respect of Alaska State Legislature
Dear Ms. Palin,Keeping corsages fresh is important to both the people who need to purchase their corsages in advance of a special occasion, or for those who just want to hold on to their beautiful flowers a bit longer.
Here's how to do it!
Instructions
Difficulty: Easy
Things You’ll Need:
- Fresh Corsage
- Cotton Ball
- Plastic bag or orchid box
Step1
Find a spot in your refrigerator where the corsage will NOT be near produce. Apples, bananas and potatoes give off ethylene gas (harmless to people, don't worry!) This ethylene gas will severely shorten the life of your cut flowers.Step2
Step3
Sincerely,
S.P.A.S.
PS - Have fun at prom!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Lessons in Chemistry: Bovine Micturition!
by ktmell
So I was participating in this makeup workshop the other day which, for those of you who don't know, typically consists of a zillion makeup applications being beaten into your face. You wear each application for about 3 minutes, after which you have to promptly remove it with makeup wipes only to be beaten again. Not so great for your skin. It's good to know what models must feel like. Makes me glad I'm not 6 feet tall and shaped like a toothpick. Anyway, I highly recommend if you ever do participate in a makeup workshop to bring your own moisturizer. Please please please moisturize in between applications. Your skin will thank you.
I digress. Taking my own advice, I brought my moisturizer with me, and a friend of mine snatched it out of my hands to read the ingredients. The last ingredient was "imidazolidinyl urea," which he told me was cow pee. WTF. I've been putting cow pee on my face?!
I took matters into my own hands and googled it at home. P.S. Wikipedia = awesome. What I found out was not so awesome. Turns out it's not really cow pee, although when you see "urea," organically it can be derived from animal urine. Gross. Imidazolidinyl urea is an antimicrobial preservative used in cosmetics. Obviously it's cheaper for cosmetic companies to derive ingredients synthetically, so in almost all cases it comes from air and fossil fuels. Rest easy you're not slathering piss on your face. However the rest of what I found out was actually MORE disturbing. Imidazolidinyl urea acts as a formaldehyde releaser. I'll spell that out for you: a formaldehyde releaser is a chemical compound that slowly releases formaldehyde. Um, in case you didn't know, people, formaldehyde is classified as a probable carcinogen by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. It causes cancer. CANCER. (Cancer of the nose and throat, but what if I accidentally snarf a blob of that shit up my nostril?) In fact, people with known formaldehyde allergies are advised not to use products containing imidazolidinyl urea (and diazolidinyl urea, for that matter). Cosmetic companies in Sweden and Japan even went as far as to ban the use of formaldehyde in their products. Clearly those Swedes are prettier than us. And the Japanese are way better at math. Possible cow pee aside, why would I want to put something on my face that releases cancer all over it? Yuck.
Say you don't care about wearing a urine mask and fuck all to cancer because you're going die anyway. At least you'll be happy and soft in the meantime? Get this: Imidazolidinyl urea (and diazolidinyl urea—same thing, basically) can also cause dermatitis. Dermatitis makes your skin all red and yucky. Flaky sometimes, too. I've had it before. You don't want it. So not cute.
The moral of the story: research your ingredients, people. If you can't pronounce it, it not only may be animal feces, but that shiz could equal some serious nastiness.
So I was participating in this makeup workshop the other day which, for those of you who don't know, typically consists of a zillion makeup applications being beaten into your face. You wear each application for about 3 minutes, after which you have to promptly remove it with makeup wipes only to be beaten again. Not so great for your skin. It's good to know what models must feel like. Makes me glad I'm not 6 feet tall and shaped like a toothpick. Anyway, I highly recommend if you ever do participate in a makeup workshop to bring your own moisturizer. Please please please moisturize in between applications. Your skin will thank you.
I digress. Taking my own advice, I brought my moisturizer with me, and a friend of mine snatched it out of my hands to read the ingredients. The last ingredient was "imidazolidinyl urea," which he told me was cow pee. WTF. I've been putting cow pee on my face?!
I took matters into my own hands and googled it at home. P.S. Wikipedia = awesome. What I found out was not so awesome. Turns out it's not really cow pee, although when you see "urea," organically it can be derived from animal urine. Gross. Imidazolidinyl urea is an antimicrobial preservative used in cosmetics. Obviously it's cheaper for cosmetic companies to derive ingredients synthetically, so in almost all cases it comes from air and fossil fuels. Rest easy you're not slathering piss on your face. However the rest of what I found out was actually MORE disturbing. Imidazolidinyl urea acts as a formaldehyde releaser. I'll spell that out for you: a formaldehyde releaser is a chemical compound that slowly releases formaldehyde. Um, in case you didn't know, people, formaldehyde is classified as a probable carcinogen by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. It causes cancer. CANCER. (Cancer of the nose and throat, but what if I accidentally snarf a blob of that shit up my nostril?) In fact, people with known formaldehyde allergies are advised not to use products containing imidazolidinyl urea (and diazolidinyl urea, for that matter). Cosmetic companies in Sweden and Japan even went as far as to ban the use of formaldehyde in their products. Clearly those Swedes are prettier than us. And the Japanese are way better at math. Possible cow pee aside, why would I want to put something on my face that releases cancer all over it? Yuck.
Say you don't care about wearing a urine mask and fuck all to cancer because you're going die anyway. At least you'll be happy and soft in the meantime? Get this: Imidazolidinyl urea (and diazolidinyl urea—same thing, basically) can also cause dermatitis. Dermatitis makes your skin all red and yucky. Flaky sometimes, too. I've had it before. You don't want it. So not cute.
The moral of the story: research your ingredients, people. If you can't pronounce it, it not only may be animal feces, but that shiz could equal some serious nastiness.
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